Editor’s Note: While for many the following unfortunately is not the case, those in my world remain well and the experience of isolation, surreal for sure, has been an observation of human behavior. Whether it’s folks in denial while shopping without masks, or protesters defying social distancing on the steps of government buildings. Whether it’s reruns of the 1978 MLB season or Katy Perry’s wardrobe on American Idol At Home. The mind wanders. Hey, I just organized my sock drawer by color.
Is it strange I schedule my day around the evening news?
CENTRAL FLORIDA – Self-exile. We’d think I was an embattled Shah or Justin Bieber, but no. My county has stay-at-home orders with a broad definition of essential services. Only massage parlors, tattoo shops and barbers, the only true essentials, are closed. I’m simply home and working remote because I’m on the low end of the at-risk category and somebody out there loves me. But it hasn’t been without raised eyebrow.
The learning curve has been steep. And I’m either annoyed or hungry. Then again I’m always hungry. Bottom line? People are nuts. How anyone survived outside the womb is beyond me. Perhaps people survived childhood by eating paint chips, perhaps THEY were correct about fluoride in the water. No matter, everyone is nuts. And Dr. Anthony Fauci will save us.
Clothing. Or do the goldfish make me look fat?
I haven’t worn pants in six weeks. Not Terry Bradshaw full nude around the fish tank, but rather shorts versus jeans. And I’ve discovered cargo shorts can hold three dog leashes, collars and treats. Four unused environmentally friendly doggie poop bags. Seven used fabric sheets for the dryer. Two remote controls. One bottled water. Seven days of mail, and one Hunter S. Thompson paperback. A stapler, wrench and double-sided tape. One package of peanut butter crackers. Double A batteries, chicken bones and nail clippers. Did I mention I forgot how to tie my shoes?
Social distancing. Or crossing over into the Twilight Zone.
Never have I seen so many people walking their dogs, biking along the roadway and sunning themselves on their front lawn. That some do so with little regard for clothing I attribute to prolonged isolation. Now when I go for a walk, and I stop and chat, there’s always the neighbor who’s intent on defying personal space. And in these times of uncertainty, when everyone is suspect, when every episode of Law & Order comes to mind, and I’m trying to keep my distance for love, country and my new granddaughter, that one neighbor steps closer and closer to add emphasis to whatever they have to say. And I lean back, trying to look less than obvious but still leaning back. My eyes filled with actual fear.
Food. Or I’m closing in on my birth weight.
Two ways to look at it. We discover it’s not the dryer that’s shrinking our clothes. Or we fill our cupboards with healthy food and stay out of the bloody kitchen. We’ve certainly learned sodas bring on the mid-afternoon shakes and give us diabetes. And there’s a readily available supply of water. Go with the latter and watch the pounds slip away. Knock back 36 ounces. No, make that 54 ounces. Or go for broke, 72 ounces of water per day. Peeing is inevitable, but we’ll all look great.
And fruit. We always can find fruit because we don’t give a damn about the people picking our fruit so long as we look great. And drink plenty of water. Yea, the pickers are immigrants but they’re the good immigrants according the White House and the Governor of Texas. They don’t carry the virus. Then again if we knew, understood what farmers spray on our food, we’d know these fine folks, working long hours for minimal pay, are owed a huge debt of gratitude. And no, pesticides and herbicides don’t protect them from the virus.
Politics. Or leading the sheep to slaughter.
I’m going to say it, and if someone doesn’t agree than consider a Lysol enema. You see, any way we slice it, Trump supporters and Sanders supports are the same people. Oh yea, one side is hard-right conservative and the other is hard-left liberal, but they share the same Momma, and Pa walked out on them long ago. He ran off with a young gal named Delta Dawn. Or so goes the rumor. She’s still standing on the corner with her suitcase. And momma just drinks.
Look at their rants. They never stop posting. And note how closely they follow the party line. If only my dogs were as obedient. Even sheep have free will. And if the other side says anything contradictory to their views, the other side is obviously Fascist or Communist. Since no one is watching the dysfunctional sing-a-long on The Bachelor, because the show is stupid, supporters have turned on one another. And with the nominations all but locked up, and the Sanders crowd switching its support to Biden, they’re now arguing whose candidate is a bigger sexual deviant. So engaged in the process.
Living the dream. Or use my grad photo or mug shot?
I get it. People are isolated, family is far away and companionship isn’t always a right swipe away. Take it from a friend of mine. Singles have no chance of finding anyone if they don’t like mini-golf. And the funny thing is no one likes mini-golf. It’s like babies, bunnies and Hallmark. Everyone says they like babies, bunnies and Hallmark but most people dislike at least one if not all. Some people are just lousy human beings. Look at Georgia. Not too bright. Think they have the virus under control when they couldn’t stop Sherman on horseback.
Dogs. Or is that a cold nose up my butt or a testing swab.
Dogs can go days, if not weeks, without human contact. Hours without a walk and have no specific timetable for eating, but if we’re home all day, every day, dogs develop needs. Petted every half hour, walked every hour and the dinner hour starts at 11:30 AM. And they bark at every possible sound. A squirrel farts in the yard and they go nuts. A neighbor drops dead in the street. Somehow the dogs heard the body hit the ground. Amazing, yes, but annoying. Which reminds me. I saved Soylent Green on the DVR.
And by the way, after weeks of exile, Darwin was right. OU still sucks.
Copyright (c) 2020 by Jeffrey Rembert. All Rights Reserved.