No One Puts Salsa in the Corner

Editor’s Note: I wrote the following a couple of years ago, but before I posted, the furor died. And I lost interest. Then a pandemic struck. And with it came idle time. So I dusted off the piece and considered recently acquired context. A fall trip to Pigeon Forge, TN, and a visit to a souvenir shop filled with “I Stand Before the Flag, and Kneel Before the Cross” merchandise. Some folks don’t let go. And they had baby goats.

Can I Pet the Goats?

You’re watching the NFL on television and see players kneel during the national anthem. Or raise a fist. Or discover some remained in the tunnel or locker room. Your blood boils. You’re miffed. You’re insulted. Those pampered athletes, with perfect abs – that’s what’s really in your craw – who make seven-figure incomes, adored by men and women alike, who play a child’s game, are insulting those who serve in the military.

You don’t buy into civil disobedience. The players say they protest to bring awareness to racial injustice. You say folderol. They say discrimination remains a plague on society and want to use their platform, before millions of viewers, to remind us of its existence. You say anything outside of standing at attention during the national anthem is unpatriotic. Both sides cry out they’re exercising their First Amendment rights.

So you boycott the NFL. Sunday afternoons trashed because your house no longer is filled with family and friends watching their beloved team. Adults who didn’t pay attention during high school civics, who can’t recall the number of stripes on Old Glory, who can’t explain the difference between a crossing pattern and a down-and-out. No more fans staring with contempt at one another. Some with Pat Boone singing “America” as a ring tone glaring at those with degrees in Belgian literature.

Honey? More El Diablo Tango sauce for the wings?

So you’ve made up your mind. No more NFL. No way you’re supporting an organization that stands by while its players insult the military, the flag and Pat Boone. You can’t spell discrimination, much less pronounce it, and deep down know the protest isn’t about the military. But you go with the crowd because everyone supports puppies, the elderly and the military. The POTUS even backs you. And we all know he wouldn’t use cultural drama to distract from his ongoing soap opera.

But how does one eliminate the NFL from their life? You’ve watched pro games every weekend in the fall since you were a child listening to your father tell tales of playing without pads, without helmets, without common sense. Rubbing dirt in open wounds and splinting broken bones with piano legs. Back when men were men and women wore pearls while doing housework.

But a total NFL boycott is going to be a problem. Even those who disdain anything athletic, anything competitive, anything that reminds them of the dark years of high school, know and share things of interest involving the NFL at work on Monday. When the Browns finally win the big one even the most hard core of non-fans is going to walk into a room with a skip in their step.

Yes dear. The replica 49ers jersey reminds me of why we fell in love.

First thing is no more watching televised NFL games. No more radio broadcasts. No more live streaming on the phone, laptop or watch. If your spouse is unwilling to accept your commitment and insists on having the usual crowd over for the game, especially one against a hated rival, you’ll have to “nah nah nah” your way through the house. Or stand outside in the yard by the compost pile. And even then you might hear cheering from the neighbor’s house. Why you weren’t invited is another matter.

No games in any form or manner. No more checking the ESPN phone app for scores. No more bothering me, or anyone, Monday morning for updates. You’ll also need to decline all Super Bowl watch party invites. No more tailgates, no fall cookouts, no drinks after work. Every bar in town has a bank of televisions and one is bound to have noon to midnight coverage of the NFL Network.

And then you have to consider your long-held collection of NFL gear. Hats, t-shirts, sweatshirts, jackets, pennants, thermos bottles, ice buckets, face stickers and foam rubber fingers. Be done with it all. Yea, your middle school football jersey with Joe Montana’s autograph counts as NFL gear. You have to pitch the lot. And if you have NIKE gear, since it’s affiliated with Colin Kaepernick, anything with the swoosh is gone.

Awestruck. The raw courage to shred a pair of socks on Twitter.

So make a statement and destroy anything related to the NFL. Even those football cards you’ve kept in a shoebox since you were nine. Perhaps post photos of their destruction on social media so your vaunted stance has legs. Nothing says civil disobedience like shredding a t-shirt emblazoned with the NFL shield. Or be the guy who cut up a pair of NIKE socks in a wood chipper. Channel a march on Washington. The suffrage movement. Trashing a saloon and the 18th Amendment.

Let’s take it a step further. Boycott NFL sponsors. No more drinking Budweiser. No more driving Ford. No more Under Armour. No more Gatorade. You’ll have to sleep in the guest room because your master bedroom has a Sleep Number mattress. And your spouse isn’t giving that up to save baby ducks. But your diet will survive the boycott as you give up Pepsi products, as well as Skittles and Snickers.

Proctor & Gamble makes the boycott list, too. Its product line includes Pampers, Luvs, Tide, Downy, Charmin, Puffs, Tampax, Head & Shoulders, Cascade, Gillette and Gillette Venus, Mr. Clean, Pepto Bismol, Vicks, Scope, Old Spice and Crest. We’re talking any and everything dealing with the human existence. And lest we forget the sponsors who make the NFL a cash cow. Television sponsors.

It’s going to be A Small, Small World. So go tell the kids.

The pro football lineup includes broadcasts by the NFL Network, FOX, NBC, CBS and ESPN. You’ve already dropped happy hour so the NFL Network is off radar. FOX is owned by 21st Century Fox and affiliated with FOX News, so you’ll have to drop that as your daily news source. The biggie is ESPN which is affiliated with ABC and owned by the Disney-ABC Television Group, and therefore The Walt Disney Company. Imagine the films you’ll no longer get to view. Aside from hours of great animated features you’ll have to give away, no more trips to the Magic Kingdom and EPCOT. Do children really need a magical childhood? Memories are so overrated.

So when you really think about it a true boycott of the NFL has unforeseen consequences. Remember when hard core Christians declared they would boycott Disney because of its support of gay rights. Parents trashed VCR tapes. Preachers screamed from the pulpits. Then the latter found a large part of their congregations relied on Disney paychecks. Offering plates have clout.

Yea, I give your NFL boycott a couple of weeks. This Bud’s for you. Cheers.

Copyright (c) 2020 by Jeffrey Rembert. All Rights Reserved.